Progress, Not Perfection

Hi, my name is Jenn Kiser and I have an eating disorder, ED is what I like to call him [anyone else read every Jenni Scahefer book??] I have suffered from anorexia and bulimia for almost 4 years now. Its been 1 year since I hit rock bottom and made the decision to fully recover. I've decided to publicly share my story: not for attention, not for pride, but to hopefully one day help someone who has also walked down this dark and lonely path. 

I've always had a low self esteem and negative view of my body, but it wasn't until college when the pressure really sunk in: "do you want to be successful? do you want to be happy? do you want to be beautiful and sought after? I have just the idea"....Ed's voice slowly started to creep in. 

He started off sounding so "healthy" and "mindful". But the rules quickly grew into a lengthy list of non-negotiables. No sweets. Every calorie must be accounted for. Burgers--yea right. Exercise every day--cardio only. 

Without even able to recognize it--my mind was no longer my own. I no longer made choices based on joy, fun, and spontaneity. Ed made every decision. I thought I still loved God, but who was I kidding? I worshiped anorexia and glorified thinness above all. 

And that was just the honeymoon phase--me and Ed, hand in hand, so in love with my new found control, willpower, and thin body. And then bulimia reared her ugly head. My malnourished body soon began to crave food and sugar to the extreme. I still remember a lot of the bulimia days. I remember the secrecy of sneaking down the stairs late at night, the sick excitement I felt at the idea of drowning my emotions in food and the high I would get from how much I could purge back up. Bulimia tore me to pieces. I let bulimia tear apart my relationships as my family and friends watched me destroy my body. The reality set in--I belonged to Ed.

The shame and disgust I felt with bulimia motivated me to recover...but only for about a year. Then came the pressures of engagement and a wedding. Welcome back Ed--I knew just who to turn to to make me feel beautiful and perfect.

I turned back to an old familiar friend--anorexia and restriction. Ahh anorexia--she made me feel so powerful, so confident, so in control. But by October 2014, that old familiar friend became my killer. At 91lbs, my body was slowly dying. Hiding behind a smile, but inside I hated myself.

On November 2nd, I made up my mind. Recovery is possible and I was going to fight for my life. I wrote this in my journal the night I made up my mind.

"I want to recover because life like this sucks. It sucks being bony and tired and bumping into everything with my bones. It sucks being ridiculously scared of places or events that involve food. It sucks gettig angry with people I love because they wanted to eat something. It sucks being freezing cold all the time. It sucks having my veins pop out and looking like a scrawny boy. It sucks the most having no energy because it's all been given to Ed all day long during our constant conversations. It sucks being hungry but telling yourself no. It sucks watching others enjoy sweets and good foods that I would never let myself touch. It sucks hating myself. It sucks having trouble sleeping because you're just so damn hungry. It just sucks. That's why I want to recover. I want REAL life. I want REAL joy. I want REAL freedom."

And for the past 11 months I have been fighting against Ed day in and day out. With joy I can say that it gets easier with each passing day. Do I slip up and restrict  the amount of calories I eat or make a mistake and binge on sweets? Yes--relapse is real and I won't deny that. But every day I wake up and choose life. Every day I wake up and fight for full recovery. On days where all I want is that thin, sick body again I read this letter I wrote to myself. 

Dear Jenn,

STOP. What are you doing? You want recovery. You want a life that is so much fuller and brighter than this. You want to be free from this. Imagine how much more your life can and will be when you recover. You want to have a child and a family with the man of your dreams, the love of your life. You want to have a real passion for more in life. Do you think that restricting can give you the full life God has for you? NO. Think of all the time and energy you have let go to waste. Think of all the times you could have been truly living life and building relationships but chose anorexia instead. Recover for yourself, recover for a real relationship with Jesus, recover for Ren. Recover for the joy of fancy italian date nights and red velvet cupcakes. Recover for the freedom it will bring to your mind. Recover for the joy it will restore in your life!

Is this really the life you want for yourself? A life restricted. That is all you will ever have if you continue to choose anorexia. Think of how much more you could love your amazing husband. How much more you could give to the people around you. Choose life over anorexia.

Now go...eat your meal plan...no excuses. You want a life of love, passion, fun, dancing, relationships, energy, spontaneity SOOOO much more than a cold, thin, restricted life.

It is worth it. Now go and work. Work hard for recovery. Work hard so you can live the life God has for you. You are worth so much more than this Jenn. You are God’s beloved. Believe it.

Keep fighting. Recovery IS possible :)